Adulthood, Psych Wards, and Being Still

I’m having a hard time here at my house of three green doors when it comes to writing.  The doors aren’t opening very far at the yellow house that’s bleaching to cream-colored on this Alberta ridge.  But I can’t seem to close them tightly for good, either.  I have published here and deleted, written and moved to trash quickly, sat with indecisive fingers hovering over the keyboard, closed out of wordpress and said, “Maybe tomorrow.”

Sometimes I think adulthood is a myth.  A lot of us are still 17 inside.  We’re 17, but we have families and businesses and churches and households to manage.  We have identity issues.  Some of us obsess over things like teeth and hair and weight and writing.  Our walk of faith might be rocky. But we soldier on because we have to.  We soldier on because we’re 39 and there are people depending on us.

I’m kind of soldiering on here–through a golden September than turned into an October that’s been rainy so far.  One morning I was having a tough time with being a soldier and I told Dan that I just wanted to go somewhere clean and quiet with a pretty view and a book, even if it was a psych ward.  It gets like that around here sometimes.  Maybe that’s where being an adult comes in.  You choose not to give in and you make your bed and wake your children and smile or snap or drag through the mayhem of another day.

Putting all that cheer behind us, things have been pretty good and interesting here.  On the psych ward morning, my sister Linda invited me for coffee and I cried into my cup and then she came and helped me clean the garage, which was a huge boost to acting like an adult.  We’ve had several sets of delightful company in the last weeks and though none of them probably saw the garage, the fact that it was clean in case they did was freeing.

We had a very good long weekend of revival meetings at church with a fine minister from Michigan.  His wife came along and she was so nice to have around and really encouraged me.

My parents were here, my sister and her daughters came for a weekend, and now Dan’s parents are visiting from Wisconsin.  Dan’s mom is a quiet, unassuming lady who washes a lot of dishes while she’s here and plays games with the children.  She is a model mother in law, breaking any mean in-law stereotypes to pieces.  She picks up those little bits of mending that I never get to and one morning she cleaned all the crud out of the crevices of the many leaves of our kitchen table.  It hadn’t been done for years in such a careful way.  I am grateful.

I am getting new front teeth, which has been quite an ordeal. I won’t bore you with details.  I had thought going to the dentist was kind of a nice little escape for the first few sessions, but after yesterday’s appointment I changed me mind.  It was three hours of discomfort torture that I hope I never have to repeat.  A dentist chair is a very humbling place to sit, head helplessly thrown back, balloon-like rubber covering your mouth with a hole in it so the front can be worked on, opening and closing and grinding your teeth at the dentist’s command.  But I said I’d spare the details and now I’m launching into them.  I am happy to be getting slightly smaller, straighter teeth to replace my very Peachey ones that I’ve had all these years.  Maybe horrible needles, a very sore mouth, and five awful impressions are a small price to pay.

Okay.  I am thinking that I’ve talked about teeth quite enough now because I’ve mentioned them on facebook too and maybe that last paragraph should be ditched.

I was reading Sarah Young’s testimony the other morning.  She’s the author of Jesus Calling.  She said that alternate readings for “Be still and know that I am God,” include “Relax”, “Let go”, and “Cease striving.”   I memorized those three phrases and I love them.  I was trying to say them yesterday when I had only 7 minutes to get to an appointment that was 17 minutes away.  🙂

I miss my old blog on xanga and I’m sad that it seems unaccessible to non-facebook friends.  It links to facebook, but that seems to be the only way to get into it.  Can someone help me with this problem?

And that’s all for today at the new blog site, where things really haven’t changed much because quiet_hearts and three green doors are the same person.

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11 thoughts on “Adulthood, Psych Wards, and Being Still

  1. So good to hear from you again- from a new blog! 🙂

    Kierra had to memorize a saying recently- “self-discipline is choosing to do what i know i should do whether i want to or not.” she was quoting today as i was trying valiantly to finish fall cleaning my kitchen. and we discussed what it meant, and one way was that even though every fiber of my being wanted to quit cleaning and go rest my weary body, i was choosing to soldier on because it needed to be done.

    and i am thinking that really, that’s a lot of what being an adult is- choosing not to run off to get some peace and quiet in that psych ward with a lovely view but disciplining ourselves to do what we have to do for our families, even at the expense of ourselves.

  2. I’ve always thought dental visits were very humbling too. Everywhere else we get to act like grown-ups and pretend we’re hiding the awkward, ugly self bits, but in the dentist chair, we are wide open.
    And I’ve been dealing with that same desire for escape to somewhere quiet, while phones ring, kids clamour and bank mistakes seem unfixable. Hugs!

  3. I absolutely love your honesty about yourself and life in general! It is so refreshing and something I find sadly lacking in people.

  4. Hey! You started a new blog! I’m happy because xanga is so confusing and I can’t find any of my old favorites over there anymore. Welcome to wordpress. 😉

    Also, I’m happy–and jealous–that you get to live near a sister now. What fun.

  5. Happy to see your writing again.

    There are days that I’m ready to go sit in the psych ward to, if for no other reason then some peace and quite! 🙂

  6. I used to read your blog on Xanga, then I lost track of it for a long time. I looked for a link to this blog on Facebook (you should put one there 🙂 ) and finally found you through a comment on another blog. Anyway, you probably don’t know me, but I find your writing invigorating and fresh. 🙂

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