Could you pray?

It’s Sunday evening after a very nice Sunday. Church was good. We are studying a book by Leonard Ravenhill at church on Wednesday evenings and it talks about soul-hot preaching. I’d say that today’s message was that type. The minister, a visitor from Minnesota, was very passionate. But he was joyful too.

I taught Ruth 2 and I hope it was an encouraging class. Among other things, we talked about accepting foreign immigrants and how Boaz didn’t make a charity project out of Ruth, but gave her dignity and respect.

Lunch was roast beef and noodles.

We did a session of premarital counselling with an engaged couple this afternoon.

I took a sunset walk with my sister.

We’d planned to get together with friends tonight, but both of us had sick kids, so we’re home instead.

The girls and I talked for a long time about the trends of my youth and it made me wish to be 17 again. I had a very happy youth. Some of my best days happened during ages 17-22. Someday I should write more about them.

Now I’m feeling a little lonely. The children are feeling unwell enough that they don’t even have brain space for a game or movie. Dan had some chores. I should read, I guess.

I ate rosemary and olive oil triscuits with Swiss cheese and extra old cheddar. I gave a head and back massage and made hot tea for the sickies. And I asked my girls what I could do this evening that would better the world.

They didn’t know.

I’ve told a lot of you about lessening my meds a bit (with doctor guidance) in hopes that I have more life and energy.

It’s been wonderful to feel alive again.

But lately I have a niggling sense of feeling too good. My senses are slightly heightened (see my post on chewing noises on Facebook). I want to write. And volunteer. And organize. And change the world.

I always want to do those things. But often I am weary and worn out and cynical.

Fear niggles and it’s ugly. Am I headed for a manic high? Will this feeling accelerate and get out of control and cause the issues it did last time?

I’m going to start by taking a whole blue pill instead of half tonight. One of the mood stabilizing ones. Dan and I talk about the possibilities. Linda cautions me to be careful. I weigh my words and responses guardedly.

It’s a pain. It really is.

But I have no desire to go through psychosis again. Or the years of depression that followed.

I know I’m just putting it all out there. But maybe you can take this journey with me.

Would you please pray healing and stability over my mind? Also freedom from anxiety and what-ifs?

I’d appreciate that so much. πŸ’—

For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. 2 Timothy 1:7

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29 thoughts on “Could you pray?

  1. πŸ™πŸ»πŸ’• I know I don’t know you but I am familiar enough with people close to me struggling with those feelings and my heart goes out to you! I’m praying that God will wash you with His peace and strengthen your mind and body. I pray you can rest in His love no matter what happens. And I pray the people around you can lift you up and be an encouragement to you! πŸ’•πŸ™πŸ»

  2. Being aware of what is happening in your body and mind and spirit sounds like a good thing. And reaching out for prayer support is another good sign. I can’t identify with your current struggle, but I am praying for wisdom, peace and confidence as you make choices that may impact your future. –Linda Rose

    1. Thank you for inviting us to go on this journey with you. I’ve had enough history with PPD/SAD/depression, and family history of mental issues, that the fears niggle in my mind, too. Especially this time of the year: November through February/March. I don’t like shopping, my love language is not gifts, I adore sunshine but I live in NW Pennsylvania, I lost two babies in February, and none of the winter sports appeal to me. So it’s the “perfect” storm, and those grey clouds gather around my head more thickly each month. I appreciate the way you’re inviting us in, so that we can become more aware of red flags in our own lives and in loved ones around us.

      1. Warm thoughts and fervent prayer for you, Luci. You are wise (not to mention, courageous) to be open about your struggles – your friends can help share the burden as a result. I often think of the song, “We Are All Just Walking Each Other Home” in these times. ❀

  3. And another…❀️

    Not coincidentally,the sermon we had today was on prayer.
    Ephesians 3:17-21 β€œ Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think,according to the power that work with and us, to him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus throughout all ages world without end amen.”

  4. Praying with you ❀️ thanks for modeling openness and vulnerability… If we’d all do more of that, I think it would pull humankind together in the realization that we’re all more on the same level than we like to believe.

    1. Oh, lady, I hear you! You are not alone! Yes, relapse can be a real fear. I don’t have your diagnosis, but I have plenty of my own. When worrying about relapse once, my therapist told me, “Relapse is a process.” That was a huge relief to me to know that I’m not gonna wake up one morning and have relapsed overnight.

      Another therapist told me once, “Those of us who are predisposed to mental illness are not necessarily in charge of when we are feeling well and when we aren’t. Yes, in the bad times we try to do as well as we can, but it’s not totally up to us”. That was a huge relief as well.

      Recently my wise therapist told me, “Feeling unwell and doing unwell are not the same thing”. Also hugely affirming.

      I hope I am not sounding trite here. I am so thankful for meds, Jesus, and professional therapists. (No, I don’t wanna be with MYSELF without my anti-psychotic.

      I hope that you will not need to hit the bottom bottom of that dark depression. I will say a prayer for you. Know that you are completely loved, seen, and known by Our Creator!

  5. I read this last night and got interrupted before I could comment. You’ve been on my mind today and tonight I came back… Thanks for your bravery and allowing us as your friends and readers to walk this journey with you! Praying for you! πŸ’Ÿ

  6. Praying for you, luci! My heart goes out to you. I’ve faced some dark times and take something every day to help my mood. So, while I know I haven’t faced what you have, I’ve faced enough to know it’s a place no one wants to go back to. It is a hard place to be and to admit that I needed help seemed to make it more of a reality. God bless you, God give you strength! I don’t know you, but here’s sending a hug!

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