It’s Sunday evening after a very nice Sunday. Church was good. We are studying a book by Leonard Ravenhill at church on Wednesday evenings and it talks about soul-hot preaching. I’d say that today’s message was that type. The minister, a visitor from Minnesota, was very passionate. But he was joyful too.
I taught Ruth 2 and I hope it was an encouraging class. Among other things, we talked about accepting foreign immigrants and how Boaz didn’t make a charity project out of Ruth, but gave her dignity and respect.
Lunch was roast beef and noodles.
We did a session of premarital counselling with an engaged couple this afternoon.
I took a sunset walk with my sister.
We’d planned to get together with friends tonight, but both of us had sick kids, so we’re home instead.
The girls and I talked for a long time about the trends of my youth and it made me wish to be 17 again. I had a very happy youth. Some of my best days happened during ages 17-22. Someday I should write more about them.
Now I’m feeling a little lonely. The children are feeling unwell enough that they don’t even have brain space for a game or movie. Dan had some chores. I should read, I guess.
I ate rosemary and olive oil triscuits with Swiss cheese and extra old cheddar. I gave a head and back massage and made hot tea for the sickies. And I asked my girls what I could do this evening that would better the world.
They didn’t know.
I’ve told a lot of you about lessening my meds a bit (with doctor guidance) in hopes that I have more life and energy.
It’s been wonderful to feel alive again.
But lately I have a niggling sense of feeling too good. My senses are slightly heightened (see my post on chewing noises on Facebook). I want to write. And volunteer. And organize. And change the world.
I always want to do those things. But often I am weary and worn out and cynical.
Fear niggles and it’s ugly. Am I headed for a manic high? Will this feeling accelerate and get out of control and cause the issues it did last time?
I’m going to start by taking a whole blue pill instead of half tonight. One of the mood stabilizing ones. Dan and I talk about the possibilities. Linda cautions me to be careful. I weigh my words and responses guardedly.
It’s a pain. It really is.
But I have no desire to go through psychosis again. Or the years of depression that followed.
I know I’m just putting it all out there. But maybe you can take this journey with me.
Would you please pray healing and stability over my mind? Also freedom from anxiety and what-ifs?
I’d appreciate that so much. 💗
For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. 2 Timothy 1:7